I've passed the halfway point between Seattle and Maine, traveling through eight states in three days. I have seen such wonders as the boyhood home of Meredith Willson, lyricist of The Music Man, and a vending machine outside of a Walmart in Iowa that systematically distributes off-brand sugary beverages when water is requested. It would have been a fun allegory for what's wrong with middle America if I hadn't been so thirsty.
But it hasn't all been fun and games. We've had our scary moments too, like when we found the spider you'll see pictured in Figure 8. I tried to get my mom to put her hand next to it for a size comparison, but she wouldn't put it close enough so you can blame her for the awkward fingers in the foreground. Since her hand is actually several inches off the wall it makes the spider appear smaller than it actually was. Trust me. It was huge.
Figure 8, as in a spider almost 8 me.
But that's not what I wanted to talk to you about today. I wanted to let you know that I've arrived in the first fictional town of my journey. Actually that's not true because Meredith Willson's boyhood home contained a replica of River City Iowa, but this is the first fictional town that bothered to try and fool everybody. I am in Madison, Wisconsin, which I've discovered does not actually exist.
I only have one piece of evidence for this, but I think you'll find it compelling.
My mom went to college at the University of Wisconsin, Madison and hasn't visited once in the intervening decades. We spent the evening walking around town and I started noticing a pattern. A disturbing, disconcerting pattern.
There are no bank chains. No bank of America, no Wells Fargo, no Chase. Instead they have Wisconsin Bank and Trust, Wisconsin Community Bank, and Mid America Bank. At first I figured it was a regional thing. After all, the odds that I would encounter such geographically specific establishments, having never previously been to the Midwest, are negligible.
Then it got weirder.
Johnson Bank, Capitol Bank, Associated Bank.
Bank Mutual.
Just let that sink in for a minute. Keep in mind, I did not seek these out, nor do I pay any special attention to bank names as a rule.
Being a 90's baby, The Truman Show came into my life while I was still at a profoundly impressionable age. As a result, I have always been on the lookout for signs that elements of my life have been constructed for the entertainment of others. It has become clear to me that Madison, Wisconsin has been created as a television set in order to film a long-form documentary on one specific individual for the span on his entire life. No actual banks agreed to sponsor the project, meaning that they had to fabricate generic bank names for copyright reasons.
My logic is sound.
Seriously, though. Bank Mutual? I bet the Mayor of Madison uses his Bank Mutual Card to buy Let's Potato Chips before his flight on Oceanic Airlines. Figure 2 is the Mayor of Madison. You try to tell me that he doesn't look way more like a documentary filmmaker than a mayor.
Figure 2 as in "I wonder how long I will have 2 live this fiction."
Well, that's it for now. Remind me when you go back to Spain. Wisconsin/Gresham is not what our adoring readers signed up for.
For now I'll leave you with this image of the breakfast menu left in my room at a Best Western that got a little too big for its britches.
Really? I can have my choice of any kind of milk in my five dollar cereal? Seriously? How do I warrant such luxury?
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